I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
