i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Shame - the story of my life.
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