Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize