my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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