why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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