So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i came on her dog
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
