Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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