you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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