Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize