fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
