My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
