Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
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