Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
