Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
