So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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