Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
