I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
