i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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