Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
