So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
