you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize