woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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