i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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