Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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