***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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