I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
