What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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