The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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