I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
