when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
