HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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