so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
