Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My pussy is not your playground.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize