I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
