I cockslap morals
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
