what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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