The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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