We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize