So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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