I've blown a few things in my day
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
