how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
