We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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