does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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