I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
