It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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