There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
