i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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