i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
