if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize