Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize