I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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