Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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