So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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