My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
