I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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