remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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