IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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