They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
