dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
