Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
