im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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