No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
