So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
